How am I feeling?

As I have talked with family and close family friends about Landen everyone asks how are we doing? I cannot answer for Scott but I will be honest about me. I wish I could tell you that I've learned to accept this and that I know everything will be okay but that is just not the truth. The truth is that this is the most horrible thing that I have every gone through. It has taken a great toll on my physically and mentally with the constant stress and lack of sleep. My heart aches everyday. Its been weeks since I found out and I'm just starting to be able to talk about it. I didn't even have the courage to tell my husband for the first week. I cry everyday, sometimes less sometimes more. Some days I feel like I'm gaining perspective and others I'm not sure if I can go on. I feel my self running through different emotions. I don't expect that the pain of knowing that my sweet babies life will be cut short. I'm not sure if its better to be the mother who loses her child suddenly or the mother who must live always knowing how fragile his life is knowing what is coming. I am grateful for the time that I have been given.

This has shaken me from top to bottom everything I am and everything I believe has been put to the test. I remember from the moment I knew I was pregnant thinking about my little child wondering what he would be, who he would marry and what he would chose to do in life. Now I wonder how long do I have him, how will I ever be able to let go, will his brother always remember him and what can I do to make sure that we never forget my precious boy. I am not a strong person the Lord knows that he has always surrounded me with people who love me and show me how to live strong and my faith in him has never wavered. But now at the moment of truth I find that I am just a weak person. Its been hard and I have struggled in my faith but I have come out on top knowing more then ever what I believe. I believe because I must! I have to know that there is a plan for my baby and that he will always be mine. I don't ask others to believe as I do but I am telling you all now that this bond between me and my son is eternal.

I am surviving and things are getting a litter brighter. There is two little lights in my darkness my boys Little Landen and Baby Brayden. They keep me here and give me strength to hold on when I feel like I'm losing control. The are here and they need me now not later when I feel like I can handle it. They bring joy in my trouble. I also have the great support of my wonderful husband. Each day makes me grateful for someone who intimately understands my pain and listens to my fears. I have a wonderful family full of support even though they are far away. So I take things day by day. I will work through my pain at my own pace with the help of those who love me.